Friday, May 27, 2005

I've got a feeling . . .

1. That when you get to see Captain Rice Marvel and Mystery Man take on the Evil Slime Dragon, it's going to rock your asses so far off that they'll be back on.

2. That the big happenings ADD is talking about will be awesome.

3. That Thanagarians wear wings to hide their hideous back acne.

4. That Green Lantern, while better than Rebirth, is still Decent Superhero Work, which is to say, bad comics.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Rann is Like a Blowjob

I, Alexander Kamandi Esq., am officially supporting Rann in this intergalactic conflict. Let's face it; the Rannians are fit to be our Alien Overlords, while those filthy Thanagers are barely fit to clean up after us or do our collective Earth laundry. They are a low, mongrel race with hideous features befitting a lesser species. Just look at the dark, sloping brows and beady eyes; science will tell you that these "people" obviously come from deviant stock. And you can't argue with that. It's Science.

The Rannians are a lovely and cultured people, with refined arts and noble physical features. I have only one word for you: Jetpacks. The height of civilization. Meanwhile, the Thanagers still use wings like animals! They wear bird fetishes on their heads and run about bare-chested in a most common manner. To refer to them as dirty savages would be a gross understatement.

The Rann Jetpack Trooper Squadrons are outfitted in a splendid uniform of red, white, and yellow; colors symbolizing Courage, Hope, and Nobility. The Thanagers wear Green, the color of Incest!

Rann women love Earth men. They love to please a human male with all varieties of sexual positions, and perform acts of fellatio that are legendary across the universe. Adam Strange once spoke of orgasms so powerful that his spleen ruptured, and he had migraine headaches for days afterward. He also claimed that his partner "swallowed".

On Thanagar, it is common practice to masturbate in public and engage in sexual congress with internal combustion engines. Although Thanager men are known to have large members, they can only perform in the "missionary" position due to their useless, vestigial wings, and they usually cum really quickly, leaving their women unsatisfied. Sometimes they spooge in the eye of their partner, causing rashes and irritation. And you can pregnant from sitting on a toilet seat on Thanagar.

It is clear to any astute observer that Rann is superior in all aspects. Let us hope that they someday prevail in this conflict, and then move on to conquer Earth. Then they will teach us how to shoot our loads in arcs reaching distances of eight feet, spraying our seed over the headboard and past any onlookers. For every Man is a Porn Star on Rann.

And so it should always be.

Brand New Superheroes Pt. II

So yesterday I started posting descriptions of superheroes my students were making up. I told them I talked about them online and they got really excited. It also amped up their creative output today, so that's cool. If they get to finish their fiction stories in writer's workshop, we're going to turn them into comics. Hopefully I can create a site or another blog or something to share these bits of genius with the world. But you care not for my future plans. You care only for awesome new superheroes.

Liberty Man: Liberty Man can steal other people's powers and use them against them. [I wonder if Edward means this as some sort of political allegory.] (Created by Edward L.)

Speed Demon: Runs very fast. So does Speed Demon Girl. Speed Demon Jr. can turn into anything. Speed Demon Girl has a friend Devil Cat who can climb walls. (Created by Nayeski R.)

Phoebe: Phoebe is pretty and can move things with her mind. (Created by Kaira G.)

Buttman: Buttman can fly and is super strong. If he slaps his own butt, it turns into stone. (Created by Taquan P.)

Gorilla Man: Half gorilla, half man. He is strong and can lift up a building. He is a good guy. (Created by Taquan P.)

Dino Woman: Dino Woman wears a red and black suit. She has high heels that can climb up walls. She has lasers and other weapsons, too. (Created by Kiara B.)

Arrow-Wing: She has a bow and arrow that can shoot ice, fire, and other things. She can fly. (Created by Rodney P.)

More, of course, as I get them.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Pipe-Smoking Negro's Origin

Jay Pinkerton is a funny damn man. His Batman is much better than DC's.

Check out the rest of his site for more fun.

Particularly good bits:

Lost in Translation

Elephant Jokes

Obligitory Intergalactic Partisanship

So the internet is ON FIRE. ON FIRE WITH THE FIRES OF WAR. And that war is the one going on between Rann and Thanagar, in a comic that's not nearly as interesting and fun as you'd think. However, blogs are lining up and taking sides and I know everyone's been wondering what the official "Right" stance is.

Let's put it this way: Hawkman has recently been written by Geoff Johns in two titles. Adam Strange has been written by Geoff Johns in zero titles. To put it another way, Hawkman is boring and Adam Strange kicks ass JUST BECAUSE HE CAN. Hawkman was on the Justice League because his title needed sales. Every mission he was like, "Hey, guys, I can FLY!" and then they'd all laugh at him like the tard he is. "Hey, Hawkman, I can wear a SHIRT!" Batman was once heard to reply before flipping Hawkman in the nips HARD. Hawkman tweeted and cried in his room.

The JLA was all like, "Hey, Adam Strange, will you join us please?" They asked him ALL THE TIME. But he knew they were mind-wiping losers. "Uhhh, right. I'll be a RESERVIST. If I'm ever not busy scoring with hot alien girls or KICKING ASS BY BEING AWESOME, then I'll let you know." Then Flash would get a little stiffy and Hawkman probably cried some more. God, what a baby.

Also notice that Hawkman can't seem to even score with his own predestined mate, Hawkgirl. Smooth, romeo. It's like if I met a girl named Joe Rice Girl who loved rock and roll, comics, and cleaning my apartment and somehow managed to fumble (as if). Hawkgirl's probably pining for Adam, who doesn't even have to pretend he's powers or that he used to be like 30 different obscure superheroes. (The Silent Knight? Ooooh, impressive! Almost impressive as Guy With Wings And That's It.)

So, in a nutshell, if you want to be Right, go Rann.

Brand New Superheroes!

You have no idea how much I hate cleaning my apartment. Well, sometimes. I hate it tonight, at least. But I gotta get it girl-worthy (and, soon, parent-worthy) so I actually had to almost finish unpacking from my move.

So I need to think of awesomeness. So I have decided to reveal to you some superheroes created by my students. We're doing a fiction-writing unit, and a lot of them are creating superhero stories. I'll hopefully write more about this later this week. Anyway, the cast so far:

Star Girl: Star Girl was on a crashing spaceship when a star hit them. It went inside her body and now she has the powers of a star. (Created by Laura M.)

Fire Girl: Fire Girl was in a house that burned down. She survived and now has fire powers. (Created by Laura M.)

Samarai Quack: He is a duck that knows kung fu (or "dose cufoo," as per the original writer). (Created by Rodney P.)

Tiger Woman: Wears a tiger costume. Can turn into a tiger and talk to tigers. She also can fly and has super strength. (Created by Jennifer P.)

Sue and Zue: Twins and best friends. Sue can control cats and Zue can control dogs. (Created by Jennifer P.)

Super Banana: He is super and he is a banana. His arch enemy is Monkey. Monkey is always trying to eat him and Super Banana Jr. They always escape, often by urinating on Monkey as he's trying to eat them. (Created by Jeffrey G.)

Super Gummi Bear: He is a giant gummi bear. He can bounce. He can feed parts of himself to other people and it grows back. He can eat himself. (Created by Jeffrey G.)

The Anything Man: Wears a black suit and has black eyes. He can turn into anyone or anything. (Created by Joshua A.)

I dunno about you, but most of these guys sound cooler than the drek the big two put out every week. Tune in later, when you can find out more about Liberty Man and his pals.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Found Comedy (Old DC Comics)

Found comedy is easy, I'll admit it. Someone else has already done most of the work for you. In this case, people have made some ridiculous comics and I happened to win a gaggle of them on ebay. I was reading through them, because they looked fun. They always do, don't they? Old comics, from the eighties and beyond, they always seem like they'll be a lot of fun. The ideas are usually kick-ass. It's the execution that's lacking. The writing really rarely meets up with the idea in terms of quality. At the time, it may have been great, but with modern things to compare it with (and true old greats, like Lee/Kirby FF) they just don't hold up.

But I'm not here to focus on how old comics rarely worked. I'm here to focus on some snippets that are just weird.

Like this next one . . .it's from a Superman comic where Krypto mysteriously reappears with amnesia. He gets a crush on another dog while he has amnesia, but once his memory returns, he starts to help Superman. Then he finally gets another date with his crush. This happens.

What a bitch!

Jesus, what a depressing note to end that on . . .and no one seems to realize that poor damn Krypto is flying off heartbroken. Hey, Chelsea, you idiot, you just rejected THE BEST DOG OF ALL TIME! I bet Krypto went on a rampage after that. Poor guy.

And here's an ad for the EVENT OF ALL TIME! If this had happened in today's market, the internet would evaporate. Chuck Dixon would crossdress. Right-wing comics bloggers would foam. And left-wing comics bloggers would be big frickin' pussies, just like they always are, HAR HAR HAR. Wait, shit, I'm a liberal. Crap. Anyway, ENJOY THIS AWESOMENESS.

I freed the blacks but I'm gonna kick this red's ass!

Next up is an old Brave and the Bold where Batman and the Flash team up. You know how I said these comics had great ideas, but just didn't live up to them? Well, this one didn't have a great idea, either. Bruce Wayne pays for the Allens to come to Gotham for a night on the town. They go to a disco. There's some Phantom guy there who's mad that his girlfriend died in a dancing contest forty years ago. So the Flash, obviously, travels back in time to take a Polaroid of the girl before she died (not, of course, to save her) so they can make Iris look like her and tell the Phantom to leave everyone alone. What the hell? Oh, who cares. Let's look at some dopey DC dorks.

Nice suits, guys.

1. Everyone looks like an idiot, but that's the 70s.

2. Someone REALLY wanted to see Bruce Wayne in the Saturday Night Fever suit. Because it was easier than drawing a new disco suit.

3. Bruce is a jerk.

4. Alfred is more believably fey here than Millar's Jarvis.

5. Barry is an idiot.

6. HOLY SHIT that announcer guy is crazy!

Rationalize this, Meltzer.

Discos were apparently much awesomer than anything has led me to believe. People dressed like pirates, just because! I hope Bruce's date is a bigger idiot than Barry, because that's a pretty obvious clue as to his secret I.D. Jesus.

Hope you all enjoyed. If I get a chance I may post some bits from an ACTUALLY GOOD pre-Wolfman Titans story with art from Gil Kane and Wally Wood.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Sunday Links

Everyone's favoite guy-whose-initials-spell-a-mathematical-verb-or-disease, ADD, is offering free comics to a computer genius. That guy's always giving away shit, which makes me suspicious. And why does he need a computer genius? Everyone knows all they do is cause pain. EDIT: Link fixed.

This place will take your precious comics and bind them. Of particular note is Larry Young's beautiful idea.

I can't help it. This kind of thing gets my nerd juices flowing faster than Barry White singing the Wonder Woman theme song. WHO SHOULD BE IN THE JUSTICE LEAGUE?!?!?!?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Writer I don't read leaves book I don't read. But wait . . .what's that at the bottom? Johns also explained that issue #226 will be written by Stuart Immonen, followed by a story arc written by Darwyn (New Frontier) Cooke. Looks like I'll be buying "Flash" for an arc.

Comics pimping news, not a link. My sister-in-law-to-be has now learned the love of Paul Pope. Added to Watchmen, We3, New Frontier, and Preacher, I've strung her along well. It kills my fiancee. "STOP NERDING UP MY SISTER!!!" But I'll never stop. We geeks are worse than drug dealers. We won't be happy until everyone shares are weird hobbies. Also Paul Teel stinks.