Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Message Board Threads to Avoid

Hello, I like to be helpful to you. One of the ways our site has been helpful in the past is by Alex showing you how to be a happy nerd. In it, he describes the evils of comic book message boards in brief. Today, I'd like to take a bit more time and list some specific threads that you may want to avoid if you find yourself looking at a comic book message board.

1. Threads about creators whose work you really like. There will be some idiot with shitty taste talking smack. It will annoy you.

2. Threads about creators whose work you really can't stand. There will be some idiot with shitty taste talking nice. It will annoy you.

3. Threads full of apologist bullshit. Some people will go to any lengths to make DC's current editorial direction seem TOTALLY AWESOME! They are morons.

4. Threads about sex. This should be obvious, but apparently it isn't. You will read a lot of gross shit if you click on that link. Ugly people bragging about their ugly sex and moderately attractive people being worshipped as goddesses. It's real icky and uncomfortable.

5. Threads about politics. People like to say message boards are like a party, or a bar. Then why do people constantly break important party rules? Never discuss politics. It never changes anyone's mind, and if you all agree, then why don't you just go jerk yourselves off?

6. Threads about posters' personal lives. Either the posts themselves or the responses thereto will depress the shit out of you.

7. Threads where people post pictures of "hot girls." a) It's demeaning; b) if you really need to look, just go outside; c) if that's impossible, go to internet sites dedicated not to comics, but showing you what hot girls look like; and d) they are rarely actually hot and usually look like this:

self-esteem issues galore

And while, no, they're not fat and yes, they have the correct number of limbs, only an amateur would mistake these headcases for "hot girls." I mean, look at this. DENTAL WORK, PEOPLE! It's not THAT EXPENSIVE!


8. The other threads. If you find a thread that doesn't qualify as one of the above seven, it eventually will. So just avoid it in principle before it bites you on the ass.

I hope this guide has been helpful. I live to serve.

Monday, July 18, 2005


Hey, guys. My new Make-Believe War column is up at Comic Book Galaxy. Marc Sobel and the other guys have new stuff up, too, and it's all worth your while. Check it out and then discuss it at the message board. OR YOU WILL FACE SEVERE CONSEQUENCES.