NO FIWOTTS ALLOWED!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

My Heart Can Feel Hate Too

Joe and Paul think that they can hate superheroes.... Well so can I! Boy can I ever!

1. Mister Terrific.
First of all, before I even get into the problems with both versions, let me point out that you have to be some sort of self-centered prick asshole to call yourself Mr. Terrific. You might as well call yourself Huge Testicles or Captain Richer Than You or Super Man or something. Jeez Guys! Get over yourselves!
Anyway, you have this rich guy who's good at everything. So does he go to Hollywood and sodomize starlets? Does he arm wrestle Errol Flynn? Does he defeat Howard Hughes in greco-roman wrestling on the moon, winning control of the TWA empire, as he pins him? No. He puts on one of the worst costumes ever, and fights crime by making criminals feel bad about themselves.

He doesn't even have gadgets or gimmicks. He just thinks he's awesome. I hate that guy.

Presently, there's some douchebag in a leather jacket, and the second-worst costume ever. He has stupid things on his ears, and what is either a mask that makes no sense, or shitty Prog Rock stage make-up. Apparently he's not only a surgeon (doctors give you drugs, by the way- and Users are Losers), but he's a triathlete or something lame like that. I really don't know. Geoff Johns writes that book, so I'm pretty sure whatever the deal is with the new Mister Terrific, it's lame. I mean, the guy can't even think of a new name. He took the name of some lame whitey from the forties.

Also, he took some of the suck.


2. ICEMAN
Ice is pretty easy to break. And also, it melts. If you put Iceman up against The Supervillain Duo Flamethrower and Claw Hammer, he'd be over. And those guys suck.

Also, fuck him and those Ice Slides. I never bought into those things, and if there is, in fact, some way to make that shit work, there would be hunks of ice falling out of the sky onto people all day. Not in MY city, you Mutie Asshole.

Let's examine his costume; okay, boots and snow, then just ice. Ice. All over his body. Just ice. That's not a costume, that's performance art.


3. DOC SAMSON
He has a new book coming out from Marvel, by the way. Excuse my while I go roll my eyes for a while.


4. GAMBIT
I know it's fairly common for people to pick on Gambit, but if a lot of people hate him, that's only because he's so goshdarned easy to hate. He has a stupid dialect, always witten by someone with Claremontine habit of finding a few steretypical linguistic tics and using them ad nauseum. He has stupid hair, a horrible costume, and he fights with a stick even though his mutant power involves throwing things. Let me re-iterate here.... He basically creates grenades, yet he chooses to fight people up close, right next to them, with his stick. That's just bad tactics, folks.

I hate "sexy" characters in general, but Gambit and his hard-on for all the female muties is downright creepy. In the mire that has become the X-books in the past ten years* or more, I have completely lost track of Gambit. And for that, I am grateful.


-a

*I would admit to really enjoying Morrison's run, but since you can't say you like anything that Morrison writes without someone saying that all Morrison fans are slavering drones, I will just not mention it.

3 Love Letters:

Anonymous Brad said...

I like Kirby's original Iceman costume, because he looks like a snowman. It even made it in to the new X-Men video games. There's just something about a snowman fighting Magneto that amuses me to no end.

3:31 PM

 
Anonymous daniel apodaca said...

Fuck Iceman.

But ice powers? Those would be pretty cool. You can make all kinds of cool shit out of ice to impress ladies or drop off of buildings to watch them smash. Also, hot weather would no problem and you could really mess people up who fucked with you.

Hitting on my lady? Have some hypothermia, asshole? And how about I freeze your hand and smash it under my foot?

6:13 PM

 
Blogger Tim S said...

I love Doc Samson so much I want to marry him and have little green-haired uggo children. I love the idea of the brainy psychiatrist forced into solving problems by punching stuff. I love him as a counterpart to the Hulk, reminding Baner by his non-monstrous, in control, green-haired, non-hunted very existence that Banner really got the shitty end of the gamma ray deal.

12:46 AM

 

Post a Comment

<< Home