NO FIWOTTS ALLOWED!

Monday, May 16, 2005

Making Fun Of (and sometimes praising) upcoming DC Covers

Yeah, yeah. Everyone does it. But I'm going to do it better. So shut up your face.

Let's start off with this little beaut:

Vanity Project from Hell

Jimenez, as the writer of this book and as a Donna Troy fan and as a gay man, I must ask you: a choker? A fucking choker? Other than that, this cover is like a gay dream. Are there any straight Donna Troy fans? Wait, a choker? Seriously? What a big pile of "who gives a shit" this is.

please be good please be good please be good

Jerry Ordway: good, but not Gene Ha. God, I hope this comic even begins to approach the greatness of the first volume. But . . .well . . .hey, we'll always have the trades.

Yeah, sure, this is for girls.

If I showed this to the girls in my classroom they'd probably freak out and scream, not in a good way. I might even get fired. Don't kid yourself, Loeb. Look at the (awful) art: this book isn't meant for girls any more than anything else coming out of the DCU. Cleavage and bad art. Hooray.

Speaking of WEIRD GIANT BOOBS:

BATTLE OF THE PLANETS

I was almost thinking this art was really fun, too.

someone please show comic artists a fashion magazine

JSA: Where "super"heroes look somber against a black background. And, apparently, wear clothes that would have gotten you made fun of in the mid-nineties. Jesus. Alex Ross, just stop. Just stop. The Captain Marvel cover of JSA last week . . .it was Cap in DEEP contemplation on, clearly, some SERIOUS issue. Guess what? If you're an eight year old who can turn into the best superhero of all time, then you don't fucking brood. That's why he's always got that shit-eating grin when normal artists and writers work on him. Because his life is fun. A lot of lives are fun. My life is fun. Please someone tell DC editorial that lives are sometimes fun.

Unfortunately, not written by Garth Ennis

A Pro/LSH crossover? Didn't see that one coming! HEYOOOOO! Seriously, that art is nice. Too bad the story will be boring and tedious.

Comics used to be really silly and fun, but were poorly written back then, too.

That's a fun damned cover. Swan/Bolland. That's a combo I would not have predicted.

Seth (the one with a last name)

That is a pretty Batman cover. I will give this a chance.

AHHHHHHHHHHH

Drool drool.

Like me after too long on the sauce

Drool drool drool.

Huh. I didn't make fun of things that much. I will try harder.

7 Love Letters:

Blogger Brant said...

From which comics are these covers?

9:22 AM

 
Blogger Joe Rice said...

From the top:

1. DC Special: The Return of Donna Troy

2. Top Ten (the new series not by Moore)

3. Supergirl #1

4. Son of Vulcan

5. JSA

6. JSA Classified

7. DC's Best Imaginary Stories

8. Legends of the Dark Knight (I think)

9. Shining Knight

10. Klarion

2:28 PM

 
Blogger Brad Curran said...

Did Loeb actually say the new Supergirl series was aimed at girls? If he did, that suprises me. I didn't think he was that deluded.

10:25 PM

 
Blogger Joe Rice said...

I'm REAL certain that he did, but not totally certain. Some promo or interview or something?

5:22 AM

 
Anonymous Spencer Carnage said...

Joe Rice,

All arguing aside, this post is damn funny. Keep it up.

9:27 AM

 
Blogger Joe Rice said...

On this point, at least, we agree.

2:23 PM

 
Blogger MarkAndrew said...

My takes:

Donna Troy: (A) They should leave her dead. Nobody knows what to do with her.

(B) Perez's main skill is in page design and composition. Dunno why the hell they've pegged him as a cover artist.

(C) Choker. Heh.

2: Top Ten: Not Gene Ha. But, c'mon, that's a greatgreat cover. Implies tension, tells a story, makes you wanna buy the book. Muh. I kiss this cover. With touge.

3: Supergirl # 1: *Snort*
I'm still getting it, though. Cause I absolutely loved Superman/Batman. Plot? Character Development? Screw that! Let's make Batman fight Hawkman! And We Don't NEED a Damn Reason! Jeph Loeb realizes that plot wastes valuable T and A and Space Octopus Panel Time.

But, yeah. This cover sort of bites. Sort of a lot.

4: Vulcan: The heck IS this? Still, another good tension/story cover, but not as good as the Top Ten one. Did this dude do a focus book?

5: Yet another example of my "Space Octopus" theory. This cover would be good if (A) Mister Terrific was NOT standing there looking like he's kind of nodding off, and (B) WAS fighting a giant, telepathic, space Octopus, With a ray gun. (And I'm getting a tech tired of Alex Ross, too. Doesn't he ever say "fuck it. Today I feel like drawing like Tex Avery!" Cause that would be way cooler.

6: JSA Classified: I'm SO PSYCHED for a JSA comic not written by Geoff "I spell my own Damn Name Wrong" Johns.

Still, this covers kinda busy for my taste. Hard to get a fix on what's goin' down.

7: Imaginary Stories: I dunno. I dig Elastic Lad Jimmy Olsen fighting the Green Tentacle monster while Superman ignores his ass, but I kinda wonder what Captain Marvel's looking at. He's like "Hey! You got a neck-tick, dude."

Cool, yet confusing. All at once.

On the other hand, I'm so getting this. I miss comics that were 22 pages of Stuff Happening. Stuff takes, like, five or six issues to happen in most Marvel comics today.

8: Batman. I agree. Good cover.

Alright. It woulda been better if Batman had touched the wire and electrocuted himself. But still...

9:Shining Knight: It's. So. European. *Wrinkles nose.* As a died-in-the-wool Red, White, and Blue comics patriot, I can't say I aprove.

10:Klarion: See. Now. This one's beautiful. ANOTHER solid Story, Tension cover. And just a neat design. I could never draw from that perspective in a million zillion years.

11:34 PM

 

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