NO FIWOTTS ALLOWED!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Sad News (and Reviews)

I mourn today. I mourn for my bloglife partner, Alex. While reading a copy of Green Lantern: Rebirth at his shop yesterday, he became so filled with rage and despair (ragepair) that he went home and fucking killed himself. Are you happy, Geoff Johns? Did your boring, cliched story have its desired effect? The death of a Green Lantern fan? Did the fan-fic noodling ("John builds his green shit because HE IS AN ARCHITECT!!!"; a fucking "one punch" reference; etc) please you? Ethan Van Scriver, did the dumb looking GL effects put a notch in your belt?

I hope you people are pleased. Because Alex isn't alive to be pleased about anything anymore. You made him kill himself and die. Hal Jordan becoming a dickhead caused him too much pain. Hal punching out the world's greatest martial artist made him confused. Inadequately-crafted writing form made him angry. And the stupid-ass ending(s) helped him finish the deed. Thanks a fucking lot, guys. You killed Alex.

(In related news, if I'm a superhero about to battle a big monster, or, hell, if I'm a nerdy comic reader about to battle a big idiot . . .no matter how "personal" it might be, if you are around and my friend it is your damn fight, too. Up yours, Alan Scott. I hope you get rabies from your wonderhound and fucking die.)

Here is an equation for you. Take Adam Strange, then subtract beautiful art; a fast, energetic pace; a sense of humor; and charm. Then add exposiriffic dialogue and stiff, unfun art. What do you get? Rann/Thanager War. I love Dave Gibbons as much as the next nerd, but you can give this one a pass. Like Willingham, the other writer capable of great work roped into this mess, even Gibbons can't make this editorial connect-the-dots enjoyable. Adam Strange, you were a damn fun comic. I'd really enjoy re-reading you, if you know, Alex hadn't committed fucking suicide.

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Dear Mr. Warren Ellis,

What reason do I have for ever giving a damn about any of your characters? Neat ideas and scholarly talk do not a comic make. Reiteration 46 of the "pseudo-cynical, wronged hero with a heart of gold" is a bit . . .predictable? Something like that. Just writing to say that, you know, if I don't care about the characters, I'm not going to buy it.

Your pal,

Joe Rice (but not his friend Alex, who ended his own life because GL: Rebirth was such a shitty comic book)

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Here is a fun game for you and your family but not for your recently-deceased friend: try to guess which two of the three comics featuring the Punisher that came out this week were really good. Your only hint is, they were both written by the same person and he comes from a race of horrible drunk sub-humans. (I usually really enjoy Kirkman's superhero stuff, but this was just a bunch of unconvincing dialogue in an attempt to rationalize a weird team-up. Not his best work. At least the art was better than usual, though.)

Jack Staff is good, Jack Staff is great. I'm glad to see Grist getting back into some of the experiments with form and function again. The beginning of the current run seemed a bit . . .straightforward. Now it's fun AND really neat.

Wha? Huh? Zap Comix? With new(ish) material? HOLY SHIT MY TIME MACHINE WORKED! To hell with reading comics (even if the Crumb stuff is pretty beautiful)! I'm going to go experiment with drugs in a consequence-free environment and help sabotage the very progressive movement I hold most dear! Also, UNPROTECTED SEX! Oh, shit, I can't grow my hair long! I WANT TO GO BACK TO MY TIME!!! WHERE IS MY TIME MACHINE NOW?!? Oh, whew, I'm typing on a computer so here I am. Back in my own time, where everything is great.

Except Geoff Johns killed my friend.

10 Love Letters:

Blogger Brad Curran said...

It's good to see that Alex's death didn't prevent you from soldiering on and telling us that you don't like another Warren Ellis comic and getting a shot in at the Irish as well. It's truly inspiring. You're really honoring Alex's memory, in which there will hopefully some sort of college fund.

8:20 PM

 
Blogger Joe Rice said...

If there's one thing the late, great Alex loved, it was hating the Irish.

8:21 PM

 
Blogger Chris Hunter said...

We all love bashing the Irish and Scottish whenever possible.

Try it sometime, Brad. You may like it.

12:49 AM

 
Blogger Chris Hunter said...

And, Joe, sorry Alex died, but more importantly, did he leave the store to you?

12:54 AM

 
Blogger Joe Rice said...

I'm in the midst of getting the rights to everything he owned, especially his Green Lantern collection (except for the action figure that he used to cut his own throat, ew) and his banjo. But it'll be tough, what with all his bastard offspring.

5:33 AM

 
Anonymous Ghost of Alex said...

BATMAN IS A JUDO MASTER. NO ONE CAN LAND A PUNCH ON HIS NOGGIN. IT'S JUST SO STUPID...

7:44 AM

 
Blogger Feedbucket said...

Philistines.

If you can't understand the genius of "OMG LETS ALL STAND AROUND GRUNTING AND SHOOTING GREEN RAYS AT TEH MONSTAR UNTIL HE GOES AWAY AND HAL IS KEWLER THAN BATMAN YAYAYYAYAYA", then I really don't know what to say to you.

12:57 PM

 
Blogger Joe Rice said...

Jason Yu, it's good to see you. So good that you've convinced me. Grunting and SHOOTING IS THE WAYYYY.

6:56 PM

 
Anonymous Greg said...

Alex is not dead .. he was absorbed by the nasty yellow .. which we all know is the DC what Reed Richards is to Marvel .. the universes worst enemy. Even as we speak he struggles against the yellow in hopes of one day reborn over a minimum of six issues.
I'm ordering each issue right now and you should too.

BTW .. Batman was distracted .. silly .. he was thinking that good old Hal would be hitting him with ring energy .. not his curled up fist. Its not like a self-defense posture is like a reflex or anything to a martial arts expert.

All joking and baloney aside .. Rebirth was exactly what I thought it would be .. the only thing it could be in 2005. Dimished expectations .. maybe .. but you guys are clearly not the intended audience .. its clear by your blaspheme you do not make regualr sacrifice to the continuity gods.

1:07 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't know, I realized today my problem with most Warren Ellis comics isn't the repetition of using the same protagonist. I would say that all of his long-form comics start off fun, and then fall apart when they slow down- This applies kind of to Planetary's release schedule, but he started dragging shit out there across pages and pages. Transmetropolitan fell apart and slowed down as it went on, although it's not an exact moment- it started to suck before it started being written for the trade. I don't know. Inexact science. But in many ways, the prototypical Ellis character is a fun character, and I think there's more wrong with his comics than just that- Global Frequency had like four fatal flaws per issue, and that was pretty fast-paced.

Brian Nicholson

1:40 AM

 

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