Return to Form

So we haven't been very critical lately. It's more fun, usually, to talk about things you enjoy than things that annoy. But I was just hopping around this comic internet thingee and I found some preview pages for that Infinite Crisis book. So I thought I'd share the links, from Newsarama, and discuss them a bit. OK, get ready HEREWEGO

First we get this splash page. The things that are awesome about it are: Nothing. The things that are unawesome about it are: Wonder Woman's stupid cape; the boys-no-girls club; the terrible "blockbuster trailer" dialogue, it's like written to be cliched and easily translated for the foreign market ("People are scared." "They should be. The world is going to HELL." "Don't you get it? They're scared . . .OF YOU!!!!") Jesus, that's awful; looking up Superman's nose for no reason other than DRAMATIC ANGLE IS NEEDED!!!!

Let's move along. We get introduced to the Freedom Fighters, obscure golden age characters brought together by Roy "One Day Geoff Johns Will Rip Off Everything I Did (and it will be no more interesting the second time)" Thomas and updated by Geoff "Really, Stars and STRIPE was Pretty Good" Johns. The things that are awesome about this page: the Freedom Fighters are there (well, Phantom Lady, Human Bomb, and Uncle Sam); that last sound effect. The things that are unawesome on this page: taking the Freedom Fighters so goddam seriously; the stupid over-written captions ("He claims a LOT of things . . .by this I mean he may not be truthful about it OR IS HE?!?!?"); Exposi-logue (dialogue that no one would actually say, but used in bad writing to get "important" "information" across); the Ray's costume; the Condor guy; and the computer background light effects.

Oooh, more bad light effects! Awesome things: nada. Unawesome things: seriously, this dialogue, what the fuck? "Light's my THING"? That would get laughed off the screen in a shitty action movie! Gratuitous flirting with the girl with boobs. Bad flirting, I should say. Then a STERRRRN WARNING about how FUCKING SERIOUS all of this is. And then some shitty character no one (except a few nerds) gives a fuck about gets blasted and the girl (of course) screams hysterically. Listen, if I'm a super hero and I just got killed, your ass better not scream my stupid super name. Fucking scream "JOEEEEEE! NOOOOOOOO! NOT JOEEEE!!!!!" because otherwise you make us both seem like idiots.

AND NOW THE VILLAINS POSE! Awesome things: in theory, Black Adam, Bizarro, and Psycho Pirate are pretty awesome, complicated characters. In execution: nothing. Unawesome things: Dr. Light (yuck); Deathstroke (zzzzzz); DC Magneto (retard); vibratey new Reverse Flash Who Isn't Called Reverse Flash, Right?; this goddam whole splash cliche; taking Bizarro seriously; Liefeld backgrounds.

This is bad comics. This is really, really bad comics. Stiff, over-rendered art and laughable, over-written dialogue pasted onto the same old bullshit. And there are people that like this. People will shit their pants over this. They are FIWOTTs and aren't truly human beings. They are to be treated like rabid dogs; no, more like lepers. They will be quarantined in their shitty message boards wondering how this all affects "continuity." Later, when Bhudda comes to rescue all the good people, they'll be busy shoving mini-series into their anuses. All will be well.