Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Return to Form

So we haven't been very critical lately. It's more fun, usually, to talk about things you enjoy than things that annoy. But I was just hopping around this comic internet thingee and I found some preview pages for that Infinite Crisis book. So I thought I'd share the links, from Newsarama, and discuss them a bit. OK, get ready HEREWEGO

First we get this splash page. The things that are awesome about it are: Nothing. The things that are unawesome about it are: Wonder Woman's stupid cape; the boys-no-girls club; the terrible "blockbuster trailer" dialogue, it's like written to be cliched and easily translated for the foreign market ("People are scared." "They should be. The world is going to HELL." "Don't you get it? They're scared . . .OF YOU!!!!") Jesus, that's awful; looking up Superman's nose for no reason other than DRAMATIC ANGLE IS NEEDED!!!!

Let's move along. We get introduced to the Freedom Fighters, obscure golden age characters brought together by Roy "One Day Geoff Johns Will Rip Off Everything I Did (and it will be no more interesting the second time)" Thomas and updated by Geoff "Really, Stars and STRIPE was Pretty Good" Johns. The things that are awesome about this page: the Freedom Fighters are there (well, Phantom Lady, Human Bomb, and Uncle Sam); that last sound effect. The things that are unawesome on this page: taking the Freedom Fighters so goddam seriously; the stupid over-written captions ("He claims a LOT of things . . .by this I mean he may not be truthful about it OR IS HE?!?!?"); Exposi-logue (dialogue that no one would actually say, but used in bad writing to get "important" "information" across); the Ray's costume; the Condor guy; and the computer background light effects.

Oooh, more bad light effects! Awesome things: nada. Unawesome things: seriously, this dialogue, what the fuck? "Light's my THING"? That would get laughed off the screen in a shitty action movie! Gratuitous flirting with the girl with boobs. Bad flirting, I should say. Then a STERRRRN WARNING about how FUCKING SERIOUS all of this is. And then some shitty character no one (except a few nerds) gives a fuck about gets blasted and the girl (of course) screams hysterically. Listen, if I'm a super hero and I just got killed, your ass better not scream my stupid super name. Fucking scream "JOEEEEEE! NOOOOOOOO! NOT JOEEEE!!!!!" because otherwise you make us both seem like idiots.

AND NOW THE VILLAINS POSE! Awesome things: in theory, Black Adam, Bizarro, and Psycho Pirate are pretty awesome, complicated characters. In execution: nothing. Unawesome things: Dr. Light (yuck); Deathstroke (zzzzzz); DC Magneto (retard); vibratey new Reverse Flash Who Isn't Called Reverse Flash, Right?; this goddam whole splash cliche; taking Bizarro seriously; Liefeld backgrounds.

This is bad comics. This is really, really bad comics. Stiff, over-rendered art and laughable, over-written dialogue pasted onto the same old bullshit. And there are people that like this. People will shit their pants over this. They are FIWOTTs and aren't truly human beings. They are to be treated like rabid dogs; no, more like lepers. They will be quarantined in their shitty message boards wondering how this all affects "continuity." Later, when Bhudda comes to rescue all the good people, they'll be busy shoving mini-series into their anuses. All will be well.

24 Love Letters:

Blogger Dominic O'Rourke said...

Buddahs coming to rescue us?

Well I can relax then. I would have baught this comic without even thinking, now I'll think some and then buy it.



4:55 PM

Blogger Paul said...

He doesn't know about the Bhuddas!

He doesn't even know how to spell Buddha wrong properly!

5:11 PM

Blogger Joe Rice said...

I'm not spelling "Buddha" wrong! I'm spelling "Bhudda" right! He's this guy who comes and rescues people from FIWOTTs. Shit, you think I'd worship some fat guy who humped the devil and never told anyone? HELL NO.

Here are some captions that would go in panels where Bhudda appeared in one of these comics:

"Bhudda. He isn't Buddha. He rescues people."

"When people need to be rescued, they hope for Bhudda to come. He rescues well."

"Or does he?"

5:15 PM

Blogger Bill Reed said...

I remarked on how godawful the dialogue was on Newsarama and a fiwott replies "Bill Reed, why do you even read comics? You hate every news subject on this site."

And sayeth I:

I read comics because I love them, and demand that they be as wonderful and glorious as I always thought they could.

I mock and scorn Geoff Johns comics because they are The Bad. And because I can. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

(I've gone mad.)

5:46 PM

Blogger Joe Rice said...

My God, Bill. It's worse than I thought.



5:47 PM

Blogger Bill Reed said...

My boredom knows no bounds, dude.

6:06 PM

Blogger Joe Rice said...

Perhaps it should.

6:10 PM

Blogger Bill Reed said...

I say thee nayyyyy!

Fear my multi-tasking power...!

6:41 PM

Blogger Bill Reed said...

Besides, causing trouble as Newsarama and Comicboards is only to offset building the future with Barbelith and The Engine.

6:42 PM

Blogger Kevin Church said...

I tell you, in that first two-page spread, Mongul's totally torqued because they found the junkyard that he's been using as his secret porn-and-tugging-it place for years.

8:23 PM

Blogger Brian Cronin said...

Yeah, this was crap.

I wrote about it when it was in Wizard awhile back. I call it now what I called it then - Infinite Ass.

1:04 AM

Blogger Lex said...

Keep up the awesomeness, Joe!

1:30 AM

Blogger Joe Rice said...

Ha-ha, Brian reads Wizard!

5:27 AM

Blogger TCSmith said...

Good to have the snark back, Joe!

11:15 AM

Blogger Joe Rice said...

Have to admit, it felt good.

2:40 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

If I may slip into geek mode for a moment, it was Len Wein who created the Freedom Fighters (the team, as opposed to the individual members), not Roy Thomas. It doesn't change your point one bit but facts is facts.

Kurt "Cei-U!" Mitchell

7:11 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, and Johnny Appleseed never made it farther west than the Ohio River Valley, if memory serves. He certainly didn't plant Washington State's apple orchards.


7:20 PM

Blogger Brian Cronin said...

So Uncle Sam WAS full of shit?!?!

Johns, what are you doing to us?!

1:41 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

To those who fear for the DC universe, have you seen this?

His hourman story looks fun, too.


5:04 PM

Blogger Joe Rice said...

Oh my God.

That's beautiful.

9:01 PM

Anonymous Brad Curran said...

Just hearing about that comic squashed my cynicism about comics for a whole day.

9:15 PM

Anonymous Brad said...

Allred's Solo, that is. Infinite Crisis... well, hell, it's all but a cover of the original Crisis, considering the creative team. What were you expecting?

9:16 PM

Blogger Paul said...

God damn you, Mike Allred, for making me care about EARTH-2 ROBIN.

The character with what is perhaps the stupidest fucking costume of all time, and now I'm in love with him.

11:11 PM

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6:38 PM


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