Thursday, March 24, 2005

Comics Good For Gettin' Sexed Up

I am ashamed to admit it, but my first post here is going to be a dreaded REPRINT of an old article.

I know, I know... it's shameful.

But the truth is, I've been too depressed to write a new article. The old blog became such a shitstorm of nerdation that I lost interest. And now it just completely sucks. So I got depressed. Maybe too much so, being that in the end, it's JUST A BLOG.

But that's beside the point. It was a place where I really tried to write some funny material and make some points in an amusing way. When I left, I felt completely spent visa vi comic book commentary. I had whacked out so much good spooge over there that it seemed like I would never get a boner again.

I probably will, though. Until then, here is some CLASSIC SPOOGE:

Comics That Will Get You Laid

Comics have developed a bad rap as being the sole domain of pasty fanboys and sociallly inept outcasts. While this is true, it is altogether possible to Do Sex wih Women and still Read Comics. In fact, I have found that like fine wine, chocolate, or Rohypnol, the right comic in the right place can often help you Get in Her Pants.

First of all, you must test the grounds. Unless you are especially lucky, deluding yourself, or with a fat pig, the typical Female subject will not want to read about Men in Tights fighting crime. I know it's hard to believe, but most adult woman are not interested in the current exploits of primary colored characters created for children in the forties, fifites, and sixties. Even if Grant Morrison wrote them. (I mean, I love JLA: Classified, but as much as Gorilla Grodd eating people makes me horny, sadly, it has the opposite effect on my girlfriend.) To wit, assess your potential coital partner carefully.

Once you have determined the possibility of your partner's comic interest, it is vital that you drop the Maggie and Hopey LOVE and ROCKETS on her immediately. The subtle and perfectline work detailing Xaime's psuedo-lesbians will soften her still-weary comic edges, and the layered, masterful tale of young punk girls becoming women will say to the female in question, "The man who gave me this book is a kind, gentle man, who likes to read about women in their most sensitive and honest states." The lovely artwork (while making you hurt inside with joy and envy and shame because Mister Hernandez is such a perfect draftsman and storyteller) will remind her of the ARCHIES of her youth, and the nostalgia will melt her loins.

But it does not end there! There is a world of books to give your lady... (support your local comic shop!)

BLANKETS is a recent addition to the Get Laid Comic Library. Observe Craig Thompson at any book signing. See how the young and tasty ladies line up with doe eyes and moist panties. They all want to DO SEX. His fluid, expressive brushwork is like an India Ink Aphrodisiac. It's so smooth and supple it's almost like masturbating just looking at his strokes. And the story of a sensitive artsy type falling in innocent love with some white-hot early 90's alternative chick will be tear-jerky for any broad currently in her twenties. GOODBYE, CHUNKY RICE is also good for romance, although I'm not sure why. Be careful with that one.

Then there's more.

The INVISIBLES for the more literate, daring, scary ones. MY NEW YORK DIARY for the urban, artsy, drug-addled ones. Anything by SETH for the ones that wear J Crew. PEANUTS for the silly, nostalgic, cute ones; the ones that still like to buy toys out of vending machines and wear temporary tattoos and funny socks. They have curly hair and know all the words to CATS even though they don't really like modern musicals. HELLBOY and THE WALKING DEAD for the horror fan girls, in their black bondage pants and dyed hair. WEASEL for the ones with the glasses that have thick frames, and the hair bundled up high on their heads. They get their hoop earrings caught in long scarves and wear shell toe Adidas with ankle socks; sometimes they put their hand down the back of your jeans on the subway and then giggle and it makes you uncomfortable, but horny. Manara for the really dirty ones; they're not slutty, but they have that sexy, filthy vibe and they like vintage pin-ups and leopard print mittens. And Jim Woodring for the Grateful Dead girls with dreadlocks and wide smiles.

I could go on all night with brilliant suggestions. Because I am so smart. But it is time for bed now, so I leave you all with the comforting thought that, although this hobby has no doubt caused us much pain and loneliness through the years (ie. hopelessly trading dogeared Spidey books, against a moss covered and shadowy brick wall, around the corner from the baseball diamond where all the happy kids were at recess, age 8), if used properly, books by Peter Bagge, Dan Clowes, and Adrian Tomine can make us look like urbane, sophisticated smarty-pantses. Use them wisely, and you too can Do Sex.

Which is nice.

Because fucking is almost as fun as reading comics.

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