Friday, July 15, 2005

How Can I Have Any Pride in this Hobby?

From Newsarama:

Asked if readers will see Ch’p, a “chipmunk”-style GL, Johns said Van Sciver is a “giant fan of rodents”, and can actually make them look cool like he makes Kilowog look cool. A GL from Ch’p’s sector will be seen in issue #4 of GL.

Jesus. This is why I can't go to comic conventions without getting morbidly depressed.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Ever-Lovin' Blue Eyed Guest Blog

Hey, Benjamin J. Grimm here. I got something to say so I asked my buddies here at Listen To Us, We're Right to post as I dictate. My giant goddam square fingers ain't so good for typistry. I ain't got a whole lot to say, but I want to say it.

It was bad enough being in shitty comic books. Maybe I was spoiled. Stan and Jack can do that to you. Same with Uncle Walt and even that nutcase Byrne. But other than that, my crew and I ain't had a whole lot of luck lately. When your best comic is Robert Kirkman's worst comic, this ain't the glory days no more. That ain't no slight to Bob, his other comics are fuckin great. But everything else we're in either sucks and gets praised for not sucking as much as before or just plain sucks.

But whatever. Comics about orange bastards like me ain't gonna be art nine times outta ten anyways. You get that Crumb guy to do our comic, or that fella that did Ghost Planet and you'll see something real nice. But that ain't what I'm here to talk about. I'm here to talk about that goddam shitty movie about us. Christ, I'm made of orange rocks and I can smell that shit a mile away. Don't mollycoddle that poorly-made piece of shit because it's got me in it and I'm played by the Commish. Fuck that. It's a shitty movie. And here's what I got to say about the mooks that wrote, directed, and decided to release that flick as is:

Aunt Petunia says 'Fuck you,' too.

Now scram and go do something useful.

Yer pal,


Tuesday, July 12, 2005

An Open Letter to the Guys that Check the Spine of Every Comic Before they Pick Out the Most Perfect One to Purchase, Bag, and Board.

Dear Nerds,

I know you think you're being clever, finding the MINT copy of AVENGERS #6 that will someday buy you a Rolls Royce, but history has other things to say. You can bag and board that motherfucker, and file it right alongside X-MEN #1 and the Death of Superman. Give them twenty years, and you'll have the world's only poly-bagged toilet paper collection.

What is this game we play? In every comic store I've ever walked in, I see you there. You have a stack of forty books in your paws, and you're inspecting the edges and spines of these comics like Hercule Poirot looking for clues. I have sad news for you; if, by some Totally Bizarre Twist if Fate, one of the books that came out last week actually manages to become rare and a huge audience of collectors actually start demanding it, the minute and improbably tiny crease under the top staple will not matter in the least.

It's a hard path to travel. Once you start looking for tiny imperfections in something as inconsequential as a comic book, what comes next? Do the big problems in life become so massive that they vanish, or do they overwhelm you, like that episode of the Twilight Zone where the astronaut finds a tiny civilization and becomes crazed with power, only to later get killed by even larger astronauts? Do you start looking for tiny imperfections in everything you buy, like hamburgers or bags of chips? What happens when you finally pick out the perfect copy of HOUSE OF M FANTASTIC FOUR, and then someone bumps you on the train, or the humidity wrinkles it, or a dog shits on it? At that point does your whole world view crumble?

I also wonder about your priorities. Does reading the book even enter into it? You spend more time in the comic shop that anyone else, but I don't think you even care what happens in these shitty books. It's all about inspecting the spines and staples. That's pretty depressing. If I dwell on it too long, I get really tired and lonesome.

In short, you're spending a lot of time trying to find books that will someday be worth a lot of money, and such a thing doesn't exist. And if it does, whatever the WIZARD "Hot Pick" is that week ain't it. Also, you look like a total fucking loser.